“Sick and utterly gross” is the new “sexy as all get out.”

Hey, ladies. How about this for straight-up sexy? I haven’t showered for three days. Mmmmmm. Yeah. I’m wearing a pair of boxers. They’re black. They’re dotted with little skulls and crossbones. I picked them out special because I’m dark and dangerous. You know what I’m saying. Oh, yeah. I am also wearing a maroon cable-knit sweater.

And that’s all.

Can’t you just feel the sexual tension and heat coming in waves out of your monitor? Oh, baby. Come any closer and I will cough on you. I may start coughing so hard that the urge to shit will become uncontrollable. You know you want it. Hell, I may cough so much that I pass out. It’s happened before. And with me, unconscious on the floor, you can do whatever you want to me. Maybe give me a sponge bath first, but after that… it’s all one-sided party time.

Yep. I’m sick. Physically, I guess I should clarify. Been coughing and hacking and all kinds of gross things. So I sit here in the dark watching shitty movies. This is not a problem. I really like shitty movies.

I am not typically a whiny man. Not even when I get sick. I just want to be left alone so I can sweat it out. Like a man. Get that sick sweat going… that nice sort-of off-tinge musk rising from beneath a smelly quilt… yeah. You know what I’m talking about. ¬†And when you combine that with being too weak to rise up and brush my own teeth… well, that’s something that goes far beyond pheremones.

That’s my soul you smell from all the way over there.

Don’t act like you don’t want me right now. Throw away those ugly words like “contagion” and “lesions.” It’s just you and me right now. And my 48-hour virus. Come on, baby. You know where to put that thermometer. Daddy’s hot.

Cleaning the kitchen, huh? Oh, that’s cool. No, that’s fine. I can wait. But don’t make me wait too long. After all, these things run their course naturally. I don’t want you to miss your window of opportunity. I’m all light-headed right now, waiting for a four-hour block of “MythBusters” to come on.

So when you get finished cleaning the kitchen or washing your hair or whatever it is that you think needs doing, come on in here. This couch is so comfortable and we can just scoot those used Kleenex out of the way. See how this couch cushion is imprinted in the shape of my ass? I haven’t moved at all, baby. Just waiting for you.

Just because I don’t feel well doesn’t mean I don’t feel good.

Come on, darlin’. Bring me my medicine. It’s time for you to raise my immune system.