My big fat Pagan wedding.

Things have been busy here at the Evil Lair of X and Cootie. It’s our own fault, really. After all, nobody forced us to change our wedding date.

By a year.

Yeah… getting married this Samhain, in front of the Family we were born into and the Family we chose,  on the very spot where I proposed to her this past February.

Yes, it’s romantic. Feel free to cry. Or vomit.

Whatever you need.

Most people see me as a very dark and foreboding person. And I admit, I am prone to speaking in horrific apocalyptic metaphors. The dark circles under my eyes can make me seem a little… unapproachable.  And I guess all the skulls and action figures from horror movies (who’s got the Blair monster from “The Thing” on his desk? Yeah. That’s me.) make some of the more squeamish folks that I work with stay away from me.

Oh… and all the Christians are convinced that I worship Satan.

Har-dee-har-har. You have to believe in something before you can worship it.

My point being, if any of these people who avoid me like the plague… the people who have said about me (true story), “Don’t look in his eyes!”

Gods, if they knew what a horrible romantic push-over softie I really am, they would fall to their knees weeping tears of rose water and masturbating with a rolled-up Hallmark card. Yes,  it is that bad. I make myself sick.

We’re that couple.

Marriage… there’s a weird thing, huh? Cootie and I paid almost one hundred dollars, just so that we could tell the State that we love each other and are living together. Which we’re already doing.  And even though I realize that marriage is not really a necessary action, I can’t wait to marry my Cootie. I want to be her husband. I want her to be my wife. It’s really important to me.

And I’ll be godsdamned if I can figure out why!

Well… that’s not exactly true. Work through this with me, won’t you?

At its heart, at the very core of it, a marriage is two people who are in love (which itself is both intangible and illogical) stating before whatever god(s) they serve, the community they live in and the people they love that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, no matter what happens, hail Eris.

That, my friends, seems absolutely INSANE.

First of all, why should people in love have to report to the state? Do they know where I work? I am not contributing that much to Tennessee’s tax base as it is. So my income tax filing is going to change. A little. I still feel it is none of their business what I do, whom I do it with or exactly where I put my money or my cock.

Secondly, why are relationships deemed socially unacceptable unless there’s been a marriage? I’ve got the piece of paper. We’re going to do it. I will sign my name on that godsdamned dotted line. So will Cootie. But that doesn’t answer the underlying question… why?

(By the way,  I wholeheartedly approve of gay marriage and wish the rest of the country would wake the fuck up.)

So let’s lance this whole marriage boil, and drain out all the blood-tinted pus goodness.

Understand one thing, first and foremost.

Perception is reality.

Got it?

Perception is reality.

Cootie and I have both been married twice before. Not to each other. None of those relationships ended well. The relationship I was in before Cootie and I got together, while not a marriage, was reasonably long-term. And abusive. And it sucked my dry of all my self-esteem and confidence. How can I put this?

She was mean.

And she made me want to die.

Why in the wide wide world of sports would I want to do this again?

Because when I look at my Cootie, I perceive forever.

I perceive someone who loves me despite my faults and my flaws. I perceive someone who absolutely embodies the other half of my Soul. I perceive a Woman who loves me and my Child, a Woman who understand the gravity of the Package Deal.  I perceive a Woman who understands my habits. My geekiness. For fuck’s sake, she shares my geekineess. We have watched the first five “Saw” movies in the span of a month, just so we can be ready for “Saw VI” when it comes out next weekend! She likes my music and I like hers. I can drink her under the table… but not by much.

And, to quote Liz Phair, she fucks like a volcano and she’s everything to me.

This is my perception of Cootie. Some of it, anyway. The things she means to me on a Spiritual and Emotional basis are so hard to describe… but, as T.S. Eliot said, “I gotta use words when I talk to you.” And sometimes words just aren’t enough.

When I look at Cootie, I see the rest of Forever.  I see all my Life’s plans, wrapped up in one beautiful woman.  It terrifies me. I’m forty years old. And when I look at Cootie, I know she’s the Love of my Life. And I know that I will join her and follow her wherever she may go. I perceive that my path and hers have intersected and will be forever connected. She is, finally, my Life Partner, the one I’ve been waiting for.

This is my Perception.

Were it only my own Perception, I would be hard-pressed to believe it.

But those who have seen is together, the way we really are, have confirmed my suspicions.

She is The One.

So, yeah.

I will absolutely stand before Scatach, Eris, Anubis, Bacchus and whatever Messiah you would like to throw my way. I will stand before my parents and my sister. I will stand before her parents and her sisters. I will stand before my chosen Family, the Hoodie Mafia, and swear the skies above and the Earth below that Cootie is The One.

I will not marry Cootie because it’s the right thing to do. Hitler said the same thing about ethnic cleansing and Eugenics. Doing the “right thing” has been the excuse for some of the worst crimes in history. Remember the Crusades?

I will marry Cootie because I want to. I will make the Promises. I will state those vows. Because for once, I believe them. In front of my child, the gods and everybody… I will marry that Woman.

I am marrying Cootie, not because I have to.

I am marrying her because I want to.

And I always get what I want.

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5 thoughts on “My big fat Pagan wedding.

  1. Your ramble about her makes me smile. I know you are both perfect for each other. Can’t wait to see you all bonded for life.

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